Story #6 – The
Wedding (The First Try)
Starring:
Scottish Terrier — Madge, Archie, Gordon,
Onie-P (Fiona Paisley), Jolie, Gerard, Bonnie, Latte, McKeeghan, Café, Jock,
Gwyn, Apolo--In Loving Memory, Peanut, Whiskey. Feline—Oreo, Raisin
Such an exciting time! The romance between Madge and Archie
has blossomed into an actual lifelong commitment! So many plans to be made….so
much ‘to do’ to do!
The more or less successful “Human To-Do’ers”:
Lenora -- Mother of the Bride
Paola -- Mother of the Groom
Pat -- Secretary to Gordon, Best
Man
Luz – Advisor to the Flower Girl
OIC
Nancy – Leader of the NeFarious
Felines
Andrea -- Chief Bottle Washer
Ely -- Speech Writer Extraordinaire
PK -- PK Logistics
Veronica -- Travel Executive
Elaine – International Travel
Coordinator
Jim & Mary-- Drivers of the RV (What RV?!)
The Wedding (The First Try)
Andrea (Annie) is exhausted! It's been 18 hours of travel
but she's almost there: Beirut! The wedding is here! Just then the guy in the
aisle seat moves his feet and kicks her in the shin… and the lady sitting in
the window seat lets one go….
"Almost there, almost there", she mutters while
holding her breath and wonders again how SHE ended up in economy and all the FurBabies
are flying first class!?!?
Onie-P (aka Fiona) bounds down the aisle, jumping into
Annie’s lap and smothering her face with kisses. "Momma, Momma, Iove you the
very bestest" croons Onie-P. "I'm so excited to see all my friends! Do
you think Auntie Paola will take us shopping? Of course she will! What am I
thinking?! -- Auntie Paola loves shopping!"
Fiona then jumps off Annie’s lap and into the aisle to run
back to her seat in First Class. "It's time to land, I have to put my
seatbelt on!"
"Yeah, yeah,…you do that," mentally grumbles a
less than enthusiastic Annie, "all this so I can wash the dishes - what
the heck?"
The plane lands gracefully without a bump. The pilot thanks
everyone for flying Scotty Airlines -- "Where All Scotties Fly First
Class!"
The airplane door opens and Scotties rush down the ramp to
mob Auntie Paola. McKeeghan
(aka The Textile Termite) tells Paola, "I just love
your scarf! ...I must chew on it!" Paola laughs, crouches down, and
delights in the Scotty Lovefest.
"Ok, babies--hop into the limousine--no Archie, you
cannot drive and please let go of the limo driver's pant leg---McKeeghan,
please do not chew on his uniform---and...whoever you are, his hat is not a
toy!"
The Scotties settle down a bit except for jostling each
other as they jump onto the window bench. "Windows Down! Windows
Down!" they demand in a chant.
Paola looks around for Annie but doesn't see her. However, she
does see…and hear...a small mountain of clinking water and food bowls, freshly
washed, headed her way.
"Annie?"
But it's not Annie. It's a grumpy woman who looks a lot like
Annie.
"You’d be grumpy too after all this traveling and then
having to wash all the bowls. The least you could do is get them into the
trunk"! Clink, clank, ting! Annie heaves her ‘mountain’ into the limousine
trunk.
"I'm sorry Paola," says a now much nicer Annie;
"just give me a few minutes to stretch my legs…”
“Jolie, Gerald, Onie P--you are NOT riding in that limousine
with your heads sticking out the sunroof!"
"Hey, any idea when the others are getting here"
asks Annie. "Onie-P, Bonnie, and Latte are all best friends, you know.
They can hardly wait to get together - I'm told they have huge plans!" she
says as she rolls her eyes. "And uh, what about Elaine? I'm not sure why I
have her Scotty if she's not here?"
Just then someone cries out, "Look at that hot air
balloon -- it's coming down awfully fast! Are there people in it?"
Back on the plane, Elaine wakes up from her nap when the
human passengers begin to disembark. Slightly fuzzy-headed, she grouses, "What
is all this rude barking about?!" Then she sheepishly remembers 'disem-bark'
means to leave the plane.
"Disembark!? McKeeghan! Where are you?" In a state
of panic, Elaine starts high-stepping over the seats bypassing the people in
the aisle to get to the door. Through one of the windows, she sees the Scotties
climb into the limo. She calls out, fully in the throes of separation anxiety
and knowing only the lure of a new scarf would get McKeeghan’s attention,
"McKeeghan, McKeeghan---new scarf, Baby! Mommy has a new scarf!”
McKeeghan's ears perk up. She swats the limo driver's cap
down over his eyes so that he slams on the brakes.
Meanwhile, Elaine has gained the door and -- through a
series of Le Parkour moves involving the ramp rail, baggage cart, a few pieces
of luggage scattered in various strategic locations, Elaine somersaults into
the limo thru the sunroof, landing on the seat beside McKeeghan.
"Heeeyyyy Sweet Baby."
"Heeeyyyy Mommy. Where is the new scarf? I want to chew
on it."
"Sorry, baby--I lost it on the triple gainer between
suitcase 10 and 13. But Auntie Paola is going to take us shopping for some exquisite
scarves and you can chew on them to your little heart's content. And we can get
new scarves to wear to Madge's wedding! Won't that be fun?!"
As large as the limo is, furbabies and humans barely fit.
The Scotties are so excited the driver can't concentrate. Paola whistles
loudly! “Quiet everybody! If you're nice, we'll stop for ice-cream on the way
to the hotel!”
Always efficient, Paola has prepared an itinerary: sites to see, beaches for mums to relax on &
Scotties to run free, and must-shopping places to go to. She hands the Mums the
program for the week. Scotties lean over their shoulders to give their consent.
Everyone is excited, “Oh yes! Beautiful architecture!
Gorgeous beach! Have sunscreen/will travel !” is the general cry.
But the balloon--the hot air balloon! Suddenly it stops its
downward plunge at 50 feet from the ground. A rope slithers over the side and
we see the lovely Café’ shimmy down to the tarmac.
She waves a little paw in an up-motion and yells,
"Thanks guys! Gotta be a new record for HB Transatlantic!" The
all-squirrel crew reposition the human cardboard silhouettes and adjusts the squirrel
cage for ascent.
"Hi guys!"
Everyone starts to speak at once, so excited about the ice
cream, events and shopping when all of a sudden Jolie's cell phone rings. She
looks at caller ID and says, "Oh, it's my Daddy". "Hello? Hi
Daddy, what? Oh no! Ok, yes, I'll tell her, I promise....bye Daddy". Jolie
hangs up and begins to bawl.
“Auntie Paola,” Jolie sobs broken heartedly, “my daddy, Ely,
and Uncle Jim are imebri…iebriat…they’re DRUNK! They were picked by the
police!!!!!"
As everyone turns to console Jolie, Auntie Lenora's cell
rings. "Hello, WHAT? Both
of you?! Yes, yes, I understand. Yes, we'll be right
there!"
"Well you're not
going to believe this one....” Auntie Lenora turns to the others, “Auntie Des
and Auntie Veronica have been detained by Immigration for smuggling
in...."
(Collective sigh from the group in a ‘reality interlude’…”Again?!!”
“Afraid so. Can't make this stuff up--even sitting drunk in a bar!” “Well, what
can we say?” … Now back to the story.)
“……’it's only Vegemite!’ you may say, but we needs it!”
whine Des and Veronica, “We thought it was safe, hidden in Jock's skirt but
then he & Bonnie saw The Bay City Rollers!”
It’s their favorite band from Scotland! Bonnie squeals and
jumps up to kiss the lead singer. Jock jumps to high-5 the drummer, both
singing, “S A T U R D A Y night!” when
the vegemite rolls out of Jock's skirt and the immigration guards jump on the
jar.
"Bomb," someone screams!
Unfortunately, in the midst of the lunging, one of the
guards step on Jock's paw causing him to cry out—which in turn, causes Auntie
Veronica to punch the guard for hurting her baby.
Meanwhile, Auntie Desley bends down to grab the vegemite
when someone steps on her!
"Gerrof ya big bugger! An' gimme back me Vegemite..."
(Translation for Australian impaired readers
"Get off of me, you big person and give me back my Vegemite.")
"Madam, this is clearly an explosive, just one smell
would tell you that!" the ‘bugger’ (big guard) tries to explain.
Desley sniffs the jar, "No, it's fine! I put it on my
toast every day!"
The guard finds this difficult to believe, "Were you
raised by wolves?!"
"Nah, not me. Just mum & dad.
“Look, here's Veronica with some toast! D'ya (do you) wanna
(want to) try some?"
The guard, in the interest of international diplomacy, tries
a small piece of toast and then looks around for somewhere to hide the rest so
he doesn't have to eat it.
(BUT, we've forgotten about our drunks down at the watch
house!)
Meanwhile, Ely and Jim are at the police station explaining
what had happened: As they were leaving
the hotel bar, Ely tripped and knocked over a waiter carrying a tray full of
drinks. A customer with a T-shirt saying "Schnauzers are better” was
soaked with tomato juice. Confusion set in as the police arrived.
At the police station the officer-on-duty seeing their
passports, recognizes them. "You are from that group, Adventuring Scotties!
I read your Opinionated Scotty blogs! I, too, am a fan of Scottish Terriers as
well! Welcome to our city, you can go." Relieved, Ely and Jim hurry to
leave to go after the ladies and the children.
“But what about my Vegemite?" demands Veronica. “I
can't buy any here. I have to go back and get it. Wait for me.”
As the Mums and Scotties wait at the limousine, things are
getting rather chaotic. Aunties Paola and Lenora are trying to get the Scotties
inside to settle down and be quiet. Aunties Luz and PK are outside running
around the limo trying to get the other Scotties back inside the limo. Aunties
Annie and Des have withdrawn into fetal positions in a back corner of the
limo. And the driver is yelling back at
Auntie Elaine to ask, “When are we leaving…?”
Meanwhile, the two dads have just exited the police
department and are heading back to the Mums and Scotties when the policeman-on-duty
comes running out the door after them. "Wait, wait, wait!" he cries.
"I'm sorry but you both are going to have to return. My Commander wants to
speak to you now."
Uncle Ely looks concerned and Uncle Jim rolls his eyes as
they start to walk back inside.
The Officer walks both Dads up to the Commander and says,
"Sir, you wanted to speak to these gentlemen?"
"Yes,” the Commander says, “But first, I need you to
know - I love poodles. (the Dads gasp!) For the ruckus you’ve caused, you will have
to spend the next 48 hours cleaning up our dog pound before you can be released."
"But, but, but", Uncle Jim sputters......
Back in the terminal, Auntie Veronica has stormed back up to
the Immigration Officers. She demands, "I want my vegemite back right now!"
and points to the jar still sitting on the table.
At that, a couple of officers start to laugh. They look at Auntie
Veronica and ask, "You want that crap back?!"
By now you can see the steam coming out of Auntie Veronica's
ears. She is furious!
Reaching out quickly, Veronica grabs the jar from the table,
turns, and starts to walk away….when all of a sudden a siren goes off! Lights
start flashing! Everyone dives for the floor!
Everyone but Veronica, that is.
Invincible now with Vegemite in hand, she strides out of Customs
and into the waiting limousine.
The Scotties are excited as they see the interesting jar in
Veronica’s hand. They've been waiting quite a while so it MUST be something
good! They all lick their lips but are sorely disappointed once they see the
label. "Yuk!" comes from each of the Scotties…except for Jock and Bonnie.
So at last the party sets off. The poor limo driver is
disheveled. His hat has chew marks from the babies. Gus has decided to provide
navigation assistance and directs from the driver's right shoulder. "Are you
sure you know the way?" Gus asks.
Within a short time, Scotties and Humans arrive at the
beautiful ocean-side resort reserved for them by Paola.
Seeing the lovely palm trees…the sand…the inviting water, Bonnie
and Onie-p, who both have their togs (Australian slang for swimming costume) on
under their clothes, yell "Last one in is a rotten egg!" as they race
for the water.
Little Latte starts crying "I want to go play in the
water, too!"
Mother of the Bride, Lenora is beside herself. With the
wedding imminent, Madge has turned into ‘Bridezilla from Hell’ and Gordon wants
a new pair of shoes to match his collar. "We have a Wedding Rehearsal in
half an hour!" Lenora tries to remind the beach babies, now happily knee-deep
in the water.
"Ooh! The water is cold on my tummy!" squeals Latte
as she wades out to reach the others.
Gwyn is sitting on the beach with tears coming from her
eyes. She really wants to join Bonnie, Onie-P, and little Latte, but she keeps
looking back at her Mommy, Mary. “When will Daddy be here? I'm very worried
about him. And Mom, what is "drunk"?
"Gwyn, you know Daddy enjoys a few beers when he’s
watching his old hockey VCR tapes and you know sometimes when he reenacts his
best plays, he stumbles and falls down---well, some rude people call that
‘drunk," Mary explains. “But don’t worry, Daddy didn’t bring any VCR tapes
on this trip so he should be ok and be here soon.”
Meanwhile, the dads are diplomatically listening to the
Police Commander raving about the (supposed) superior intelligence of poodles
and trying very hard not to choke or roll their eyes. Luckily, there is another
commander listening--Commander Raisin McCat, leader of the NeFarious Felines.
Commander Raisin has emailed Oreo, the CAT operative, for help.
Oreo is hanging out at Beirut's Cute Kitty Club when he gets the message. Oreo calls
all the cats together and shares with them his devilish plan. "The police
want the dogs’ pens cleaned up -- so let's just let the dogs out!"
Back at the Police Station -- Ely and Jim are taken to the
dog training complex to begin the cleaning work. They get changeable clothes,
brooms, buckets with soap, and water.
There are several dogs in their kennels and, despite the Commander's preference for poodles; they also find German Shepherds and
Rottweilers. The facility is great, but with lots of work to do, Ely and Jim
begin to doubt they will be able to attend the wedding.
Next to the kennels there is a low building. Looking through
the windows of this building, Ely sees tables and chairs -- a food court. He
sees a man wearing cook clothes leave the building and light up a cigarette.
“Jim,” Ely whispers, “I think I've found a way to get out of
here!”
Ely asks a police officer for a meeting with the Commander. The Commander receives them from behind his desk…he is making notes in a notebook.
“Yeah, what do you want?”
Ely asks, “Sir, what do you feed your dogs?”
The Commander opens a smile and says, “With the best dogfood
on the market!”
“I'm sorry, sir, but it's not the best way to feed. I think
we can show you another way whose result in the end will mean stronger, healthy
and more active dogs, better service rates. Your work will be more noticed, and
maybe a promotion will come from there. Could I use your notebook?”
Saying nothing and with a curious face, the Commander slides
the notebook across the desk toward Ely.
Ely sits down and, using his cell phone, begins to access
and show the Commander sites describing the use of food rather than kibbles.
Using the notebook, Ely, an IT professional, easily prepares a chart showing
the longer longevity curve of dogs that use this type of food.
“Sir, you have a kitchen where you prepare meals for your
policemen, why not also use it to prepare the food of your brave dogs?” Ely
suggests.
The Commander invites Jim to sit and offers both Ely and Jim
coffee and water. Taking back the notebook from Ely, the Commander asks more
questions, makes additional notes, and is quite pleased with the feeding
information he has been given.
“So, what brings you two gentlemen to our city?” asks the
Commander of Ely and Jim.
“We came to attend a wedding,” they respond, “people are
waiting for us.”
The Commander smiles and says, "We cannot let the bride
and groom wait. Please, you are free to go.”
Without wasting a second, Ely and Jim get up and leave. They
have to find the Mums and the children!
Later, the TV news around the world broadcast-ed an unusual
occurrence. A brigade of cats had invaded the police training complex in
Beirut, causing great confusion. Witnesses said they saw one cat carrying a flag
with the words, "Poodles are Losers” emblazoned across it.
A taxi pulls up to the beautiful resort. Ely and Jim step
out waving at the Mums and children.
Jim shouts, "Gwyn, Gwyn!" at which Gwyn runs as
fast as she can, jumps into Jim’s arms and smothers him with kisses.
Ely, looking for his babies, shouts out a few times, "Apolo,
Gerald, Jolie!"...finally up pops three little faces from the surf.
Gerald and Jolie shout back, "Hi,! Daddy" and
Apolo lifts his paw and shouts, "Dude!"
Jim and Ely laugh -- so glad to be back with the family.
Just then, Jim starts to shout, "Quick, get out of the water! Get OUT of
the water, NOW!"
Ely also shouts, “Fin! Fin! Get out now!"
"Fin, Fin, Shark! Get out of the water!" yells Jim
again.
All the Mums and Dads are in a panic, running in circles,
and bumping into each other! (It looks a
bit like the Keystone Cops!) The babies are getting distressed as well. The little
ones all have on their life vests making them look like handbags floating on
the water -- they can't get enough water traction to get moving towards the
shore!
Gus, Apolo and Café, all being the eldest, begin to take
charge. They instruct the older children towards shore while they go grab ‘the
floating handbags’. Things were just beginning to become organized when some
man on the beach, thinking he was being funny, yells, "Squirrel Sharks!!!”
From that point forward, there is deafening silence…..and
the world moves in slow motion.....
The story breaks here, Dear Reader, it's far too gruesome to
describe what happens next.
The story picks back up.............At the airport we find
everyone once again. All have been escorted in by Immigration, Customs and the
Police. Everyone is being immediately deported with the exception of Paola,
Archie, Whiskey, and Peanut.
Madge and Archie are heartbroken. Madge cries, "Where
am I supposed to get married now, Mum?"
"It’s OK, sweetheart, everyone is going to come home
with us to Virginia. You two will get married there," Lenora consoles a
sobbing Madge.
“Yay!” everyone shouts enthusiastically!
Paola fist-pumps, "We’re all going too!"
Just then a Customs Officer steps forward and with
compassion written all over his face, says to Lenora, "No ma'am, the next
flight to Virginia isn't for three days. You folks have to all be out on the
next flight!"
PK says, "Ok, where is the next flight to?"
The Customs Agent’s expression morphes into an eerie, creepy
smile. “Greenland.”
Everyone shouts, “Greenland ?‑!"
So there it is, Scotty airlines bound for Greenland ‑ with
all the children in first class, Mums and Dads in economy and Annie washing
dishes in the galley....
Madge is toasting her chilly feet by the fire. Her new flips
flops don't work so well in the snow. She'd thought Greenland would be, well,
green. As in grass...
The group just hasn't been at its best since being stranded
in Greenland. The only accommodations they could get were in an old Indian
sweat lodge. The Mums and Dads have been bickering nonstop and the children
occasionally go out and play in the snow only to return to the sweat lodge to
get warm.
Madge and Archie are trying hard not to show their
disappointment, they realize they also had a part in getting the group deported
from Lebanon. If only that stranger hadn't yelled "squirrel" from the
beach....
Just then, Auntie Veronica runs into the lodge very excited
to let everyone know we just received our confirmations for the next flight out
to Virginia -- which is going to leave in three hours!
"Yip Yip hooray!” everyone shouts!
They all start to gather up their stuff when Flash (Gordon)
says, "Hey, but what about....?"
“Not now, Flash! Time to pack, this plane is costing me a
fortune -- the food and champers are my treat. Now, move it!”
Andrea rolls her eyes seeing visions of "more washing
up!"
But -- has everyone forgotten the last time Des tried to
enter the USA?
As they board Scotty Airlines for the flight from Greenland,
Des is remembering sewing mailbags, Paola’s escape, and how Elaine baked the
cake. (See Story # 1.5 Courage-Paola for
details.)
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