The Wedding (The First Try) – Story #6

Story #6 – The Wedding (The First Try)

   Starring:  Scottish Terrier — Madge, Archie, Gordon, Onie-P (Fiona Paisley), Jolie, Gerard,  Bonnie, Latte, McKeeghan, Café, Jock, Gwyn, Apolo--In Loving Memory, Peanut, Whiskey.  Feline—Oreo, Raisin

Such an exciting time! The romance between Madge and Archie has blossomed into an actual lifelong commitment! So many plans to be made….so much ‘to do’ to do!

The more or less successful “Human To-Do’ers”:

Lenora -- Mother of the Bride

Paola -- Mother of the Groom

Pat -- Secretary to Gordon, Best Man

Luz – Advisor to the Flower Girl OIC

Nancy – Leader of the NeFarious Felines

Andrea -- Chief Bottle Washer

Ely -- Speech Writer Extraordinaire

PK -- PK Logistics

Veronica -- Travel Executive

Elaine – International Travel Coordinator

Jim & Mary-- Drivers of the RV (What RV?!)

The Wedding (The First Try)

Andrea (Annie) is exhausted! It's been 18 hours of travel but she's almost there: Beirut! The wedding is here! Just then the guy in the aisle seat moves his feet and kicks her in the shin… and the lady sitting in the window seat lets one go….

"Almost there, almost there", she mutters while holding her breath and wonders again how SHE ended up in economy and all the FurBabies are flying first class!?!?

Onie-P (aka Fiona) bounds down the aisle, jumping into Annie’s lap and smothering her face with kisses. "Momma, Momma, Iove you the very bestest" croons Onie-P. "I'm so excited to see all my friends! Do you think Auntie Paola will take us shopping? Of course she will! What am I thinking?! -- Auntie Paola loves shopping!"

Fiona then jumps off Annie’s lap and into the aisle to run back to her seat in First Class. "It's time to land, I have to put my seatbelt on!"

"Yeah, yeah,…you do that," mentally grumbles a less than enthusiastic Annie, "all this so I can wash the dishes - what the heck?"

The plane lands gracefully without a bump. The pilot thanks everyone for flying Scotty Airlines -- "Where All Scotties Fly First Class!"

The airplane door opens and Scotties rush down the ramp to mob Auntie Paola. McKeeghan

(aka The Textile Termite) tells Paola, "I just love your scarf! ...I must chew on it!" Paola laughs, crouches down, and delights in the Scotty Lovefest.

"Ok, babies--hop into the limousine--no Archie, you cannot drive and please let go of the limo driver's pant leg---McKeeghan, please do not chew on his uniform---and...whoever you are, his hat is not a toy!"

The Scotties settle down a bit except for jostling each other as they jump onto the window bench. "Windows Down! Windows Down!" they demand in a chant.

Paola looks around for Annie but doesn't see her. However, she does see…and hear...a small mountain of clinking water and food bowls, freshly washed, headed her way.

"Annie?"

But it's not Annie. It's a grumpy woman who looks a lot like Annie.

"You’d be grumpy too after all this traveling and then having to wash all the bowls. The least you could do is get them into the trunk"! Clink, clank, ting! Annie heaves her ‘mountain’ into the limousine trunk.

"I'm sorry Paola," says a now much nicer Annie; "just give me a few minutes to stretch my legs…”

“Jolie, Gerald, Onie P--you are NOT riding in that limousine with your heads sticking out the sunroof!"

"Hey, any idea when the others are getting here" asks Annie. "Onie-P, Bonnie, and Latte are all best friends, you know. They can hardly wait to get together - I'm told they have huge plans!" she says as she rolls her eyes. "And uh, what about Elaine? I'm not sure why I have her Scotty if she's not here?"

Just then someone cries out, "Look at that hot air balloon -- it's coming down awfully fast! Are there people in it?"

Back on the plane, Elaine wakes up from her nap when the human passengers begin to disembark. Slightly fuzzy-headed, she grouses, "What is all this rude barking about?!" Then she sheepishly remembers 'disem-bark' means to leave the plane.

"Disembark!? McKeeghan! Where are you?" In a state of panic, Elaine starts high-stepping over the seats bypassing the people in the aisle to get to the door. Through one of the windows, she sees the Scotties climb into the limo. She calls out, fully in the throes of separation anxiety and knowing only the lure of a new scarf would get McKeeghan’s attention, "McKeeghan, McKeeghan---new scarf, Baby! Mommy has a new scarf!”

McKeeghan's ears perk up. She swats the limo driver's cap down over his eyes so that he slams on the brakes.

Meanwhile, Elaine has gained the door and -- through a series of Le Parkour moves involving the ramp rail, baggage cart, a few pieces of luggage scattered in various strategic locations, Elaine somersaults into the limo thru the sunroof, landing on the seat beside McKeeghan.

"Heeeyyyy Sweet Baby."

"Heeeyyyy Mommy. Where is the new scarf? I want to chew on it."

"Sorry, baby--I lost it on the triple gainer between suitcase 10 and 13. But Auntie Paola is going to take us shopping for some exquisite scarves and you can chew on them to your little heart's content. And we can get new scarves to wear to Madge's wedding! Won't that be fun?!"

As large as the limo is, furbabies and humans barely fit. The Scotties are so excited the driver can't concentrate. Paola whistles loudly! “Quiet everybody! If you're nice, we'll stop for ice-cream on the way to the hotel!”

Always efficient, Paola has prepared an itinerary:  sites to see, beaches for mums to relax on & Scotties to run free, and must-shopping places to go to. She hands the Mums the program for the week. Scotties lean over their shoulders to give their consent.

Everyone is excited, “Oh yes! Beautiful architecture! Gorgeous beach! Have sunscreen/will travel !” is the general cry.

But the balloon--the hot air balloon! Suddenly it stops its downward plunge at 50 feet from the ground. A rope slithers over the side and we see the lovely Café’ shimmy down to the tarmac.

She waves a little paw in an up-motion and yells, "Thanks guys! Gotta be a new record for HB Transatlantic!" The all-squirrel crew reposition the human cardboard silhouettes and adjusts the squirrel cage for ascent.

"Hi guys!"

Everyone starts to speak at once, so excited about the ice cream, events and shopping when all of a sudden Jolie's cell phone rings. She looks at caller ID and says, "Oh, it's my Daddy". "Hello? Hi Daddy, what? Oh no! Ok, yes, I'll tell her, I promise....bye Daddy". Jolie hangs up and begins to bawl.

“Auntie Paola,” Jolie sobs broken heartedly, “my daddy, Ely, and Uncle Jim are imebri…iebriat…they’re DRUNK! They were picked by the police!!!!!"

As everyone turns to console Jolie, Auntie Lenora's cell rings. "Hello, WHAT? Both

of you?! Yes, yes, I understand. Yes, we'll be right there!"

 "Well you're not going to believe this one....” Auntie Lenora turns to the others, “Auntie Des and Auntie Veronica have been detained by Immigration for smuggling in...."

(Collective sigh from the group in a ‘reality interlude’…”Again?!!” “Afraid so. Can't make this stuff up--even sitting drunk in a bar!” “Well, what can we say?” … Now back to the story.)

“……’it's only Vegemite!’ you may say, but we needs it!” whine Des and Veronica, “We thought it was safe, hidden in Jock's skirt but then he & Bonnie saw The Bay City Rollers!”

It’s their favorite band from Scotland! Bonnie squeals and jumps up to kiss the lead singer. Jock jumps to high-5 the drummer, both singing, “S A T U R D A Y night!”  when the vegemite rolls out of Jock's skirt and the immigration guards jump on the jar.

"Bomb," someone screams!

Unfortunately, in the midst of the lunging, one of the guards step on Jock's paw causing him to cry out—which in turn, causes Auntie Veronica to punch the guard for hurting her baby.

Meanwhile, Auntie Desley bends down to grab the vegemite when someone steps on her!

"Gerrof ya big bugger! An' gimme back me Vegemite..." (Translation for Australian impaired readers   "Get off of me, you big person and give me back my Vegemite.")

"Madam, this is clearly an explosive, just one smell would tell you that!" the ‘bugger’ (big guard) tries to explain.

Desley sniffs the jar, "No, it's fine! I put it on my toast every day!"

The guard finds this difficult to believe, "Were you raised by wolves?!"

"Nah, not me. Just mum & dad.

“Look, here's Veronica with some toast! D'ya (do you) wanna (want to) try some?"

The guard, in the interest of international diplomacy, tries a small piece of toast and then looks around for somewhere to hide the rest so he doesn't have to eat it.

(BUT, we've forgotten about our drunks down at the watch house!)

Meanwhile, Ely and Jim are at the police station explaining what had happened:  As they were leaving the hotel bar, Ely tripped and knocked over a waiter carrying a tray full of drinks. A customer with a T-shirt saying "Schnauzers are better” was soaked with tomato juice. Confusion set in as the police arrived.

At the police station the officer-on-duty seeing their passports, recognizes them. "You are from that group, Adventuring Scotties! I read your Opinionated Scotty blogs! I, too, am a fan of Scottish Terriers as well! Welcome to our city, you can go." Relieved, Ely and Jim hurry to leave to go after the ladies and the children.

“But what about my Vegemite?" demands Veronica. “I can't buy any here. I have to go back and get it. Wait for me.”

As the Mums and Scotties wait at the limousine, things are getting rather chaotic. Aunties Paola and Lenora are trying to get the Scotties inside to settle down and be quiet. Aunties Luz and PK are outside running around the limo trying to get the other Scotties back inside the limo. Aunties Annie and Des have withdrawn into fetal positions in a back corner of the limo.  And the driver is yelling back at Auntie Elaine to ask, “When are we leaving…?”

Meanwhile, the two dads have just exited the police department and are heading back to the Mums and Scotties when the policeman-on-duty comes running out the door after them. "Wait, wait, wait!" he cries. "I'm sorry but you both are going to have to return. My Commander wants to speak to you now."

Uncle Ely looks concerned and Uncle Jim rolls his eyes as they start to walk back inside.

The Officer walks both Dads up to the Commander and says, "Sir, you wanted to speak to these gentlemen?"

"Yes,” the Commander says, “But first, I need you to know - I love poodles. (the Dads gasp!) For the ruckus you’ve caused, you will have to spend the next 48 hours cleaning up our dog pound before you can be released."

"But, but, but", Uncle Jim sputters......

Back in the terminal, Auntie Veronica has stormed back up to the Immigration Officers. She demands, "I want my vegemite back right now!" and points to the jar still sitting on the table.

At that, a couple of officers start to laugh. They look at Auntie Veronica and ask, "You want that crap back?!"

By now you can see the steam coming out of Auntie Veronica's ears. She is furious!

Reaching out quickly, Veronica grabs the jar from the table, turns, and starts to walk away….when all of a sudden a siren goes off! Lights start flashing! Everyone dives for the floor!

Everyone but Veronica, that is.

Invincible now with Vegemite in hand, she strides out of Customs and into the waiting limousine.

The Scotties are excited as they see the interesting jar in Veronica’s hand. They've been waiting quite a while so it MUST be something good! They all lick their lips but are sorely disappointed once they see the label. "Yuk!" comes from each of the Scotties…except for Jock and Bonnie.

So at last the party sets off. The poor limo driver is disheveled. His hat has chew marks from the babies. Gus has decided to provide navigation assistance and directs from the driver's right shoulder. "Are you sure you know the way?" Gus asks.

Within a short time, Scotties and Humans arrive at the beautiful ocean-side resort reserved for them by Paola.

Seeing the lovely palm trees…the sand…the inviting water, Bonnie and Onie-p, who both have their togs (Australian slang for swimming costume) on under their clothes, yell "Last one in is a rotten egg!" as they race for the water.

Little Latte starts crying "I want to go play in the water, too!"

Mother of the Bride, Lenora is beside herself. With the wedding imminent, Madge has turned into ‘Bridezilla from Hell’ and Gordon wants a new pair of shoes to match his collar. "We have a Wedding Rehearsal in half an hour!" Lenora tries to remind the beach babies, now happily knee-deep in the water.

"Ooh! The water is cold on my tummy!" squeals Latte as she wades out to reach the others.

Gwyn is sitting on the beach with tears coming from her eyes. She really wants to join Bonnie, Onie-P, and little Latte, but she keeps looking back at her Mommy, Mary. “When will Daddy be here? I'm very worried about him. And Mom, what is "drunk"?

"Gwyn, you know Daddy enjoys a few beers when he’s watching his old hockey VCR tapes and you know sometimes when he reenacts his best plays, he stumbles and falls down---well, some rude people call that ‘drunk," Mary explains. “But don’t worry, Daddy didn’t bring any VCR tapes on this trip so he should be ok and be here soon.”

Meanwhile, the dads are diplomatically listening to the Police Commander raving about the (supposed) superior intelligence of poodles and trying very hard not to choke or roll their eyes. Luckily, there is another commander listening--Commander Raisin McCat, leader of the NeFarious Felines.

Commander Raisin has emailed Oreo, the CAT operative, for help. Oreo is hanging out at Beirut's Cute Kitty Club when he gets the message. Oreo calls all the cats together and shares with them his devilish plan. "The police want the dogs’ pens cleaned up -- so let's just let the dogs out!"

Back at the Police Station -- Ely and Jim are taken to the dog training complex to begin the cleaning work. They get changeable clothes, brooms, buckets with soap, and water.

There are several dogs in their kennels and, despite the Commander's preference for poodles; they also find German Shepherds and Rottweilers. The facility is great, but with lots of work to do, Ely and Jim begin to doubt they will be able to attend the wedding.

Next to the kennels there is a low building. Looking through the windows of this building, Ely sees tables and chairs -- a food court. He sees a man wearing cook clothes leave the building and light up a cigarette.

“Jim,” Ely whispers, “I think I've found a way to get out of here!”

Ely asks a police officer for a meeting with the Commander. The Commander receives them from behind his desk…he is making notes in a notebook. “Yeah, what do you want?”

Ely asks, “Sir, what do you feed your dogs?”

The Commander opens a smile and says, “With the best dogfood on the market!”

“I'm sorry, sir, but it's not the best way to feed. I think we can show you another way whose result in the end will mean stronger, healthy and more active dogs, better service rates. Your work will be more noticed, and maybe a promotion will come from there. Could I use your notebook?”

Saying nothing and with a curious face, the Commander slides the notebook across the desk toward Ely.

Ely sits down and, using his cell phone, begins to access and show the Commander sites describing the use of food rather than kibbles. Using the notebook, Ely, an IT professional, easily prepares a chart showing the longer longevity curve of dogs that use this type of food.

“Sir, you have a kitchen where you prepare meals for your policemen, why not also use it to prepare the food of your brave dogs?” Ely suggests.

The Commander invites Jim to sit and offers both Ely and Jim coffee and water. Taking back the notebook from Ely, the Commander asks more questions, makes additional notes, and is quite pleased with the feeding information he has been given.

“So, what brings you two gentlemen to our city?” asks the Commander of Ely and Jim.

“We came to attend a wedding,” they respond, “people are waiting for us.”

The Commander smiles and says, "We cannot let the bride and groom wait. Please, you are free to go.”

Without wasting a second, Ely and Jim get up and leave. They have to find the Mums and the children!

Later, the TV news around the world broadcast-ed an unusual occurrence. A brigade of cats had invaded the police training complex in Beirut, causing great confusion. Witnesses said they saw one cat carrying a flag with the words, "Poodles are Losers” emblazoned across it.

A taxi pulls up to the beautiful resort. Ely and Jim step out waving at the Mums and children.

Jim shouts, "Gwyn, Gwyn!" at which Gwyn runs as fast as she can, jumps into Jim’s arms and smothers him with kisses.

Ely, looking for his babies, shouts out a few times, "Apolo, Gerald, Jolie!"...finally up pops three little faces from the surf.

Gerald and Jolie shout back, "Hi,! Daddy" and Apolo lifts his paw and shouts, "Dude!"

Jim and Ely laugh -- so glad to be back with the family. Just then, Jim starts to shout, "Quick, get out of the water! Get OUT of the water, NOW!"

Ely also shouts, “Fin! Fin! Get out now!"

"Fin, Fin, Shark! Get out of the water!" yells Jim again.

All the Mums and Dads are in a panic, running in circles, and bumping into each other! (It looks  a bit like the Keystone Cops!) The babies are getting distressed as well. The little ones all have on their life vests making them look like handbags floating on the water -- they can't get enough water traction to get moving towards the shore!

Gus, Apolo and Café, all being the eldest, begin to take charge. They instruct the older children towards shore while they go grab ‘the floating handbags’. Things were just beginning to become organized when some man on the beach, thinking he was being funny, yells, "Squirrel Sharks!!!”

From that point forward, there is deafening silence…..and the world moves in slow motion.....

The story breaks here, Dear Reader, it's far too gruesome to describe what happens next.

The story picks back up.............At the airport we find everyone once again. All have been escorted in by Immigration, Customs and the Police. Everyone is being immediately deported with the exception of Paola, Archie, Whiskey, and Peanut.

Madge and Archie are heartbroken. Madge cries, "Where am I supposed to get married now, Mum?"

"It’s OK, sweetheart, everyone is going to come home with us to Virginia. You two will get married there," Lenora consoles a sobbing Madge.

“Yay!” everyone shouts enthusiastically!

Paola fist-pumps, "We’re all going too!"

Just then a Customs Officer steps forward and with compassion written all over his face, says to Lenora, "No ma'am, the next flight to Virginia isn't for three days. You folks have to all be out on the next flight!"

PK says, "Ok, where is the next flight to?"

The Customs Agent’s expression morphes into an eerie, creepy smile. “Greenland.”

Everyone shouts, “Greenland ?‑!"

So there it is, Scotty airlines bound for Greenland ‑ with all the children in first class, Mums and Dads in economy and Annie washing dishes in the galley....

Madge is toasting her chilly feet by the fire. Her new flips flops don't work so well in the snow. She'd thought Greenland would be, well, green. As in grass...

The group just hasn't been at its best since being stranded in Greenland. The only accommodations they could get were in an old Indian sweat lodge. The Mums and Dads have been bickering nonstop and the children occasionally go out and play in the snow only to return to the sweat lodge to get warm.

Madge and Archie are trying hard not to show their disappointment, they realize they also had a part in getting the group deported from Lebanon. If only that stranger hadn't yelled "squirrel" from the beach....

Just then, Auntie Veronica runs into the lodge very excited to let everyone know we just received our confirmations for the next flight out to Virginia -- which is going to leave in three hours!

"Yip Yip hooray!” everyone shouts!

They all start to gather up their stuff when Flash (Gordon) says, "Hey, but what about....?"

“Not now, Flash! Time to pack, this plane is costing me a fortune -- the food and champers are my treat. Now, move it!”

Andrea rolls her eyes seeing visions of "more washing up!"

But -- has everyone forgotten the last time Des tried to enter the USA?

As they board Scotty Airlines for the flight from Greenland, Des is remembering sewing mailbags, Paola’s escape, and how Elaine baked the cake. (See Story # 1.5 Courage-Paola for details.)

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